February 21st 2012

I honestly think the hardest part about writing on here is coming up with a "title"  My brain goes in such random places and when I start this I have no idea what I'll be writ\ing about.  So how can I start off with a title??  It's like if I give it a title I feel stuck on that topic so I'm just going to write the date.  Anyways, on to more useless boring topics :-)  I've been really busy with work and softball.  Our team started our travel ball league, so we've had a few games.  A bit of a rough start, but that was to be expected.  They are young and most are new to this level.  They are hanging in there and learning though.  I'm really excited to see how far they will get by this fall.  Only coaching one team this season has proven to be a great decision.  Having time for myself is MUCH needed.  I will admit that being that busy was very good for getting through my divorce though.  I was able to stay busy and keep moving on with life. But now that I'm stronger it was the right choice to cut back so I can have a life.  Of course I have no idea how I'm going to fill that time.  I haven't had free time to do whatever I want in so long I'm kinda lost.  But looking forward to finding out.  I've dated a couple people over the past year and one of those relationships recently ended.  But that was also a good decision and I'm looking forward to what is next.  I always have one up my sleeve ;-)  

Refreshed

It's amazing what a day off can do!  Of course I got up at 6:00am to finish some paperwork, worked until 9:00am.  But since it was work from home I'm not counting it.  It's my day so I can do that. Haha.  I had such a relaxing day yesterday.  No stress, No rushing, No where I had to be.  I had great company for my day too.  Just what I needed after a stressful week/weekend trying to get caught up.  Had a great morning today too and anyone who knows me knows "great" and "morning" don't belong in my vocabulary together!  But I wasn't rushed, drove by the water on my way in to work which was beautiful and peaceful, traffic was good, got in to work early.  Of course now I wonder what chaos awaits around the corner today since it started out to well.  But, I'm not going to worry about it and just enjoy it.   

Why?

Why is it that people from the past can't just stay in the past?  There is a reason you are not in my present so why would I want you in my future?  There are just some people that are like cockroaches, no matter how hard you try they just won't go away.  They seem to keep popping up when you least expect it.  Annoying little buggers!   

Need Help

Like most people I have set some goals or things to accomplish or change this year.  Last year I lost 40 pounds, got my thyroid straightened out and lowered my cholesterol.  All very big accomplishments.  So this year is about not just maintaining the weight that I am at so as not to gain.  But I would like to actually get in shape and get back to eating healthy.  I find myself being motivated for short spurts but can't keep up.  Life gets in the way.  When I get busy I put it off to tomorrow and I don't take the time to cook or go to the store.  I take the easy way out and go to a drive thru or heat up a frozen plate of sodium and fat.  Temptations at work when everyone else eats it is another tough one.  I'll be good and bring in my lunch and end up eating out because what everyone else is ordering sounds better than what I brought.  I am hoping this year will be different.  I hope I have surrounded myself around the right people to help me.  I think support is going to be the only way I can do this.

Forget the I'm Sorry, Just be Happy

So 2012, WOW.  I reflected back at the end of the year and for once actually appreciated where I am compared to where I was the year before.  I can't recall ever feeling that way before.  The end of 2010 my life was a complete mess, marriage was in crumbles, had no self worth or self esteem and wasn't sure how I was going to find a way to support myself or where I would live.  Well, 2011 was one gigantic roller coaster but everything was worth it.  I found my independence and along with that came finding myself.  And guess what?  I actually like myself!  Imagine that.  Trying to pretend my life was great and mask the problems was way too much work. Exhausting in fact.  You lie and cover up so much you actually don't realize what reality is and lose sight of who you really are. Which story is true?? Which feeling am I actually feeling??. It's all a jumbled mess. But my questions is, was I fooling anyone except myself?  Was all that effort just a waste to make myself feel better when I was just trying to make others not worry?  I have come to the realization that I wasn't actually fooling anyone.  So what a fool I was.  This was one of the best lessons I could have ever learned.  Living my life and actually being happy is so much better.  I now know what the real feelings are that I lied about so often feeling.  It's still sort-of surreal that I am actually happy, but I'm starting to realize it's not a dream. 

 

I missed October!

So I completely missed writing in October.  But if that means I'm too busy living my life to write then that's a good thing right??  Well, maybe it's also a little bit because I'm lazy too. But shhh... don't tell. 

Well work is still really busy, I am officially named as the lead admin now.  I'm going to be doing some new things I'm excited to learn.  This job is definitely out of my element, pretty much everything I'm doing I've never done before but I really like it.  I don't hear many people say they like their jobs, so I consider myself one of the lucky ones that does. 

Softball has been going great.  The rec team has our last game tomorrow, go Gators!  The young travel team we recently started is going to play in our first tournament next weekend.  Excited and nervous about that... as I'm sure the girls are too.  But it will be fun I'm sure. 

I'm going home for Thanksgiving!!  It's been a  year since I've seen my family, I just know I'm going to cry when I get there!   I'm so excited I've already started packing.  Of course that's easy to do when we're still in shorts weather here and I have to pack sweaters. Yuck!  But the cold is worth seeing my family and friends.  I just wish I hadn't waited so long to get back there.  Now I need to work on getting some people to start visiting here more often.  When you guys get tired of seeing all that white stuff all over the ground give me a call!   

Already September!

I can't believe it's already September.  But they do say "time flies when you're having fun!"  I guess that means I'm having lots of fun right??...  ummm right...  I am so busy right now I don't have the energy to try to remember if I'm having fun! :-)  Just kidding!  I am having some fun of course.  My favorite little blonde haired blue eyed little girls had her 6th birthday recently.  So Happy Birthday to Amanda.  She's so sweet.  She had her birthday party over the weekend, I had a good time going to that.  Learned a new game called Freeze Dance.  It was fun to see the kids play it.  As much as she was worried, my friend Beth handled 15 crazy screaming kids like a an old champ.  Work has been really busy, I can't seem to keep up right now but I'm at least staying afloat.  My divorce was finalized last week.  It was strange, walking in married and walking out not married and it took all of 2 minutes.  It wasn't something I wanted to hear congrats or I'm sorry over.  But it is good to have the closure and for both of us to be able to move forward.  Besides work and softball I have little time left for anything else, so nothing exciting to report  I've been able to get out with friends here and there, that has been nice.  Starting to get a little homesick, need to schedule a vacation back home soon.  A friend of mine was sent there for work recently and I was super jealous.  I will make it home for a visit soon I hope!  Just need to try to save up some money, which has been about impossible,.  Supporting myself has been quite the struggle.  But I will say I have learned a lot about myself and about life in the past 11 months.  I feel I've changed and grown in many ways.  It may not have been a pretty path, but I am grateful to have the opportunity to learn these things and make these changes.  I think my life in the future will be much better because of what I have gone through.  I still have a lot to learn, no doubt about that, but I'm headed in the right direction... I think ;-)

Zzzzzzzz

I've had so much going on and so much on my brain that sleep hasn't quite made the cut lately.  I am exhausted.  Thank goodness for coffee!!!  I will admit, some of that is my own fault, have had some fun lately.  But hell, I deserve it!  But I've been working a lot and have had a lot to do and things on my mind keeping me awake at night, so that has been the main culprit in my lack of zzzz's.  I had one fantastic night of sleep last week that helped energize me for the weekend.  And tonight I have the night off and I am just chillin at home and will be crawling in to bed early!!  I'm super stoked.  I also got good news today, not able to share yet.  But it takes a load off of my mind and I am finally able to relax and breathe a little... at least on this topic :-) So I should be able to actually fell asleep and stay asleep.  So no late texts tonight... you people know who you are! ;-)  Not much else going on, just work, softball, gym and friends.  But that's how I like it.  Good night all, see you in my dreams!!

Ugh!

My brain is exhausted! That's all... the end :-)

Ups and Downs

This week was quite a week. Had a somewhat stressful week at work, last week of the month always is. But I made it through... barely :-) My grandma's "friend" passed away last Sunday, that was very sad. It's times like these that I wish I lived closer so I could be there for my family. My dad was there for Stephen during his final days in a way that I really admire. I can only hope to have someone by my side as he was for him. Thank you dad for being such a wonderful person!

I started a post earlier this week wanting to vent, then deleted it before posting, and am now going to shorten my point and write it again. In the past I had a bad habit of only writing good things, not wanting to hurt feelings or have people judge me. But what's the point in having a blog if I'm not going to write what is really on my mind. So here goes. I've recently lost about 40 or so pounds, thanks to diet, exercise and being diagnosed with a thyroid condition. I feel much healthier now and am at a healthy weight. But sometimes those around me have not been supportive. I am tired of people telling me to gain weight. It would be nice for people to just be supportive and be positive. I have had a negative atmosphere for the past couple years and could use positive surroundings. By losing the weight I have lowered my cholesterol to a healthy number among other health benefits. I am at a healthy bmi level as well. If I dropped down to a size 2 or 0 I could understand concern, but I am a size 8, which in no way is an unhealthy size. If I can start to see and count my ribs then please show concern, but right now I'd appreciate only positive comments supporting that I reached my goal weight. If you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say it. After what I went through in the past year I have lost my self esteem and could use a boost, not bring me down when I'm starting to feel better about myself. OK, subject is dropped and moving on.

I had a fantastic weekend! I haven't been all that social the past few months and decided to change that this weekend. I went to a comedy show Friday night with my friend Sarah. We saw the Funny Divas. Two of the ladies got a pretty silent response but the other two were pretty good. It's nice to have some female humor! And it was great to catch up with Sarah who I don't see nearly often enough. Saturday I took a day for just myself to relax and recoup after my long, busy week. This morning I enjoyed the wonderful Florida weather and went golfing. I hadn't golfed in months and had an absolute blast!! Of course, I can only say that because we didn't keep score. I might not have had as much fun if I saw on paper how bad I was!!! But it doesn't matter, the weather was great and I had a good time. Hoping to catch up with my friend Beth tonight over some coffee. Great ending to a great weekend!